Thiel — the billionaire co-founder of PayPal and Palantir Technologies — has sat on Meta’s board since 2005, and was one of The Big Mark Dawg’s most influential mentors. While Thiel is rumored to be stepping down in order to focus on, uhhh, “influencing November’s midterm elections,” his departure leaves a major hole in Meta. Who now can guide Big Zuck on his path into darkness? What individual can whisper sweet nothings into his ear? Tell him that people, really, are nothing but numbers, bodies to be possessed? Luckily for him, we have some ideas.
Nurse Ratched
If there’s one thing we know about Peter Thiel, it’s he’s hungry for control. I mean, if this wasn’t the case, it’s unlikely he would’ve financed lawsuits against Gawker Media that bankrupted and shut it down. True, the case is multifaceted (the outlet outed Thiel against his will after all), but it’s undeniable that it takes a certain type of mentality to shutter an entire media company for a personal slight. This is why Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest is an ideal candidate to replace Thiel on Meta’s board; she lives and breathes control. Yes, she may abuse her power. Yes, she may effectively torture people. Yes, she lobotomizes a sane man to fulfil a personal vendetta — but you can’t say she isn’t efficient. Zuckerberg could learn a lot from her. And I bet she’d have some great ideas about how to keep people on Facebook.
Thanos
Peter Thiel is a well known disliker of democracy. I mean, the man literally wrote an article where he said he “no longer [believed] that freedom and democracy are compatible.” In the article, his solution to this (aside from sorta suggesting that women shouldn’t have the vote) was finding more space for human life, whether that’s on the internet, in outer space, or the… ocean. In an addendum, Thiel went onto say he believes politics to be “way too intense” — which is why he has suggested his “utopian” vision of people living under the fucking sea. Interestingly, Thanos’s plan wasn’t dissimilar. In his mind, the universe was overcrowded. Individuals and political systems weren’t set up in a way that could be easily changed. But if he could get rid of half of sentient life? That could work. To put it another way, all Thanos and Thiel want to do is save people from themselves. I mean, who could know what’s better for ordinary people than the hyper-wealthy? True, Zuckerberg might balk at half the population disappearing — imagine the impact on Facebook’s advertising model! — but at least it’d help improve its ad targeting.
Wormtongue
Hopefully you’ve rewatched Lord of the Rings recently, what with it being the 20th anniversary of the Fellowship of the Ring’s release and all. In the latter movies, Gríma Wormtongue is the character that poisons the mind of the King of Rohan on behalf of Saruman. Without getting into too much detail, Wormtongue is a shadowy presence that influences decision-makers for the benefit of the already powerful. Oh, did I write Wormtongue? I meant Peter Thiel. The Trump-supporting, Republican-funding, despiser of democracy, Peter Thiel. Put Wormtongue on Meta’s board and you won’t be missing a thing. Just make sure you keep anyone wearing white cloaks a long way away from Zuckerberg. As we can see, Meta is really spoilt for choice when it comes to filling that free seat on the board. Let’s just hope that whoever he chooses continues the fine legacy Peter Thiel started. I wouldn’t change a single thing Facebook has done over the past 18 years. Not a single thing.
